Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just invented taco cereal.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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