Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
