The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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