A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
