I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize