and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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