when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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