i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
