I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
