The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
