I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
