My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
