ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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