Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
