When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
