Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
