you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
