You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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