first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
