some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
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