I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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