I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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