My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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