it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
