Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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