It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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