I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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