My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
