Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
