He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
