I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
In America we eat man semen.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm at about main and main street
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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