I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
