Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
