Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
