His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
