I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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