Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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