a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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