super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
