I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
