Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
only you would photoshop your dick
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just gargled with NyQuil
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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