is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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