I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize