I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
