If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
