"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
