So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER