Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
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Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..