my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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