It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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