I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
