just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
