a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
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His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
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I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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