I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
