my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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