i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
