I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
