Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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