I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
