I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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