i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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