shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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