he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
