I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
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he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
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I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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