I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
