R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
