May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
