Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's blow job season.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
