I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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